1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,800
There she is!

2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,880
Eric, it's huge.

3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,960
Well, what we don't eat tonight
we can keep and eat tomorrow.

4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,800
Huh! YOU can eat tomorrow -
one night a year eating

5
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,160
the insides of a sheep's quite
enough for me, thank you very much.

6
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,360
<font color="

7
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,640
You say to anybody in the world,
"Name something Scottish,"

8
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,800
and they'll say?
The Proclaimers.

9
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,320
No. Heart disease. No!

10
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,960
Knife crime, heroin, Greggs...
No!

11
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,120
<font color="

12
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:41,120
This programme contains
some strong language

13
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,000
RADIO PLAYS "MAGGIE MAY"
BY ROD STEWART

14
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,800
Hi! Hi, Beth.
Happy Burns Day!

15
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,320
It's no' Burns DAY, Cathy,
it's Burns NIGHT.

16
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,840
<font color="

17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,680
So, you been out doing
a bit of the old haggis hunting,
have you, missus?

18
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,960
Oh, yes.

19
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,760
Here, listen, some tourists
do actually believe that

20
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,520
a haggis is a real wee animal.
ERIC LAUGHS

21
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,600
<font color="

22
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,360
DOORBELL CHIMES

23
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,840
Sit yourselves down.

24
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,840
Ah, yes!

25
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,720
Christine! Hello, Beth.

26
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,240
Everything all right?
The least said the better.

27
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,120
LAUGHTER

28
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,840
Oh, hi, Christine.

29
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,120
<font color="

30
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,160
So, eh, how you doing, Christine,
all right?

31
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,520
CHRISTINE SIGHS

32
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,520
I'm OK, Eric.

33
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,720
I'm...OK.

34
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,240
Beth was saying you've been
away down seeing Sophie.

35
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,880
That's right.
<font color="

36
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:52,560
She is living in council
accommodation with a man who

37
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,160
comes down the stairs
in the morning in his underpants

38
00:01:56,160 --> 00:02:00,800
and bare feet and watches cartoons
with his headphones in.

39
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,600
Where is it she's moved to again?
<font color="

40
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,000
Boy, oh, boy, some journey that, eh?

41
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:10,880
Oh, you're tellin' me - seven hours
I've been on that Stagecoach.

42
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,400
Oh, my arse was numb -
I still cannae feel my right cheek.

43
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,120
Well, look, let's get you a drink.

44
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:20,600
Oh, and how's the baby,
<font color="

45
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,800
Madison. That's it! Madison.

46
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,680
Col - I told you
she was called after our bedroom

47
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,280
furniture from that brochure.

48
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,480
She's a wee angel, so she is.

49
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,280
ALL: Awww...

50
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:38,520
<font color="
and she's got the reflux as well,

51
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,480
so, no sooner has she got the bottle
doon her than she's spewing it

52
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,520
back up on top of you but
apart fae that... Aw, bless her.

53
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,360
Honest to God, Eric, she is the only
<font color="

54
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,280
Well, that
and the big bar of Galaxy that

55
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,520
I got for a pound
at the service station.

56
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,520
OK - who's for a wee dram?

57
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,360
A wee whisky, well, it would be
rude not to on Burns Night.

58
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,560
I'm not a big fan of whisky.

59
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:06,480
<font color="
a large one with some Diet Coke.

60
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,840
I cannae really take
spirits on an empty stomach, Beth.

61
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:13,200
Would you like a... Aye,
a wee packet of crisps to
go along with it, aye.

62
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,000
<font color="
Beth?

63
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,000
Well, there's haggis, neeps and
tatties and shortbread for afters.

64
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,240
Whit, naebody doing a poem
or a song?

65
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,000
Woo-hoo! Sing-song - Colin
is a brilliant singer -

66
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,920
he knows the words to stuff.

67
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,760
<font color="
but I don't know any Burns songs.

68
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,000
Yeah, but we won't be doing
any of that shit.

69
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,440
Right, here we are.

70
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,000
Walkers prawn cocktail,
if you've got them, Beth.

71
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,120
We have got a really, really
expensive bottle of whisky

72
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,480
<font color="
up near our time-share,
haven't we, Col?

73
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,080
We have, aye. That sounds lovely.
How old is it?

74
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,720
It's about two weeks
ago now, that we bought it, Eric?

75
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,120
OK, shall we have a wee toast?

76
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,760
<font color="

77
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,000
Woo-oo-oo-f!

78
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,440
THAT is actually not bad.

79
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,720
DOORBELL CHIMES

80
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,000
Cheers!

81
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,040
Happy Burns Night, Mrs Baird!

82
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,600
Hiya, Mum!
Oh, I like that!

83
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,200
Oh, thank you!! I wanted to wear
<font color="

84
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,320
Aw, why not?

85
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,880
Naw, there's no need for a kilt,
you're not even Scottish!

86
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,440
I said I was happy not to
wear pants under it.

87
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,960
Come in, come in. Actually,
could I just use your loo?

88
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:30,120
<font color="
to walk straight in there and
just go for it, wouldn't I?

89
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,280
IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

90
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,320
LAUGHTER

91
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,560
Hey! Hey! It's Ian.

92
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,160
Hi, Ian. All right, Christine -
I thought you were away...

93
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,120
<font color="

94
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:48,040
I was, Ian, but let's just
say I came back slightly
earlier than expected.

95
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,360
Right.
We'll draw a line under it.

96
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,320
OK.

97
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,960
Do you know they had me
sleeping with a cushion
<font color="

98
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,080
Hello, hello, hello! Hey!
Oh, it's Gordon!

99
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,120
There he is, gay Gordon.

100
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,000
Gay Gordon, Colin!

101
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,240
Are you going to do us a dance,
Gordon? Dance! Dance!

102
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,440

<font color="

103
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,200
Yee-ee-ee-ha!
CATHY!

104
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,600
Hullo, Gordon.
Hello again, Christine.
How are you?

105
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,640
I've been in Wales.

106
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,600
You've had your toilet done up,
I see, Mrs Baird?

107
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,320
Yeah, yeah. Well, new wallpaper
<font color="

108
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,600
What's this, Beth?

109
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,400
Oh - have you been doing
things in your wee toilet

110
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,200
and not telling anyone?
The difference is incredible!

111
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,800
What is it?

112
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,480
ERIC: Oh, we redecorated
the wee downstairs loo.

113
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,280
<font color="

114
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,480
Well, it did need a bit of a
freshen up, didn't it, Eric?

115
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:44,760
Oh, it did, aye.

116
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,400
COLIN: I can't think what it was
like - I've been in your upstairs

117
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,080
one, at least I think I have.

118
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,760
You have, Colin,
<font color="

119
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,480
when Beth did the cottage pie
with the cheap mince.

120
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,920
So I was!

121
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,320
Ah, let's get a look at it then.
What?

122
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,320
Well, I'm needing SOMETHING
to cheer me up. I don't think...

123
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:06,520
<font color="
show us your loo.

124
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,320
DOOR CREAKS

125
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,200
Oh, that's lovely, Beth.

126
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,280
Oh, yes, I like it, Beth.

127
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,720
I can see myself in here
quite happy.

128
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,280
Cheap toilet roll, Col.

129
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,360
So, what did you say
<font color="

130
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,920
Well, new wallpaper,
new light shade.

131
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,400
Painted the pipe chase,
it was really...

132
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,280
It needed painting.
Put down a new carpet as well.

133
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:31,520
Oh very nice, very nice, who did it?
Eric did.

134
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,360
<font color="
I'd have come and given you a hand.

135
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,800
Colin's brilliant at DIY -
he's got two paint brushes

136
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,320
and I'm going to buy him an axe.

137
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,560
He did very well,
he's done a great job.

138
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,280
That wallpaper's
<font color="

139
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,720
What? And your skirting board
could do with another coat.

140
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,280
Same silly wee sink, I see as well.

141
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,320
OK.
Everyone seen everything they want?

142
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,800
New wallpaper, fresh paint,
same silly wee sink,

143
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,760
<font color="
a new toilet roll holder.

144
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,720
New toilet roll holder? Yes.
How come...

145
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,640
Eric pulled it off the wall.
Right, everyone back through please.

146
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,000
Lovely...

147
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,680
So, is this your first time at
<font color="

148
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,360
Yeah. I think that deserves a kiss.

149
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,040
You've never been to
a Burns Supper, Gordon?

150
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,520
Nope.

151
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,520
Aw, you don't
know what you're missing.

152
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,000
Aw, you'll love it -
<font color="

153
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,800
I'm really enjoying it so far.
You enjoy yourself, Gordon.

154
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,840
You deserve to enjoy yourself
and to be happy.

155
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,880
Forever.

156
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,080
Him too.

157
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,800
Wait till later,
wait 'til it gets going -

158
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,320
<font color="
like a Burns Supper in full swing.

159
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,840
What happens?
Everyone gets totally fucked.

160
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,000
Obviously, though, this is just
a stupid wee thing in a house,

161
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,320
but see some of the properly
organised ones that they have...

162
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,320
<font color="
Really?

163
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,160
We went to this one in Edinburgh
Castle, there was bagpipes, there

164
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,440
was barrel loads of malt whisky, log
fires burning, remember it, Cathy?

165
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,120
Erm? Remember!

166
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,320
We went back to that hotel with
<font color="

167
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,240
No.

168
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,080
Aw, no, right enough - that's
when me and Yvonne were together.

169
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,480
But honestly, Gordon,
what a night that was.

170
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,560
It was absolutely tremendous!

171
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,960
It's a shame Christine's trip down
<font color="

172
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,960
Aye, who could have predicted that,
eh?

173
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,040
That is a long bus journey too.

174
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,600
Certainly for the poor bastard
sat next to her.

175
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,920
Eric! Christine's hardly seen that
baby since it was born.

176
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,520
<font color="
OK, we all done?

177
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,440
Yep. Good.

178
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,040
RADIO PLAYS "SAY WHAT YOU WANT"
BY TEXAS

179
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,440
It's nice that Ian's brought Gordon,
isn't it?

180
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,040
Give him a wee taste
of the old Scottish traditions.

181
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,960
<font color="
this fucking whisky down
the arm of your chair.

182
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,840
Robert Burns is
basically like a national

183
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,760
hero in Scotland, Gordon,
isn't he, Cath?

184
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:06,880
Yes.

185
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:12,240
Cos as well as being a poet,
<font color="

186
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,040
He was a heart-throb in his day,
wasn't he? Was he?

187
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,800
Oh, aye, all the experts,
all the historians, they all agree,

188
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,600
he rode just about
every lassie he met.

189
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,680
I'm sweating like mad with this on.
<font color="

190
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,440
Wish I had worn a kilt now.

191
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,360
Have you got a kilt yourself,
Gordon?

192
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:32,560
No.

193
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,880
I've got three. Have you?
Aye.

194
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,600
I've got a really, really,
short tartan skirt that

195
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,240
<font color="

196
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,720
Mine cost a fortune,
made to measure,

197
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,040
none of your off the peg
tourist shite.

198
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,280
What tartan are they?
Don't know.

199
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,120
But see that Burns Supper I was
tellin' ye aboot, they were

200
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,000
<font color="
when the dancing started, God,

201
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,480
Yvonne's eyes were
just about popping oot her head!

202
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,920
Yes, all right, Colin.
What?

203
00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,320
Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne...
I'm only just...

204
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,760
Yeah, we could all be sitting here
<font color="

205
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,360
I mean Ian's not sitting here
talking about Jaz, is he?

206
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:11,040
"Oh, Jaz this, Jaz that, Jaz was
so lovely, he was so lovely..."

207
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,600
He was so much better-looking than
Gordon, he had

208
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,880
nicer eyes, better teeth,
<font color="

209
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,680
But he's not, is he?

210
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,520
Ian - do you ever hear fae Jaz?

211
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,600
I'm only just telling him
about the Burns Supper we went to.

212
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,280
He just happened to mention her,
Cathy. Oh...

213
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,080
<font color="

214
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,920
Colin is obsessed
with his ex-girlfriend.

215
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,040
Excuse me? Beth - did you
ever notice Jaz's willy?

216
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,480
What? Look, can we just leave
Jaz's willy out of this?

217
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,160
<font color="
well hung as well, Mrs Baird.

218
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,840
Look, I don't know
what's going on in here

219
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,880
but can we just draw
a line under it?

220
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,960
Well, you wouldn't be saying that
if Eric was going on about one
<font color="

221
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,000
What? Just saying.

222
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,960
Beth, was Eric not involved
with a woman that

223
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,680
worked on the railways
before he met you?

224
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,280
Eric, what was the name of
that woman that you used to go

225
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:22,080
<font color="
Sorry?

226
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,280
You said she had awful wirey hair,
Beth.

227
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,720
Do we really have to do this?
Linda, that was it.

228
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,680
You're talking years ago.
How long, Eric?

229
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:34,720
Oh, well, it was certainly
<font color="
line out to Helensburgh.

230
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,160
I'm sure it was Linda. Was it?

231
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,360
I don't know -
I mean I wasn't really serious with

232
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,720
anybody before I met Beth,
I went out with a few people.

233
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,360
Did you?

234
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,320
Well, not loads.

235
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,840
<font color="

236
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,880
I bet when you were younger,
you had a nose for it.

237
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,680
Oh, aye, I can just see him -
buying women fish suppers

238
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,640
and then trying to corner them
in bus shelters.

239
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,000
Excuse me! I didn't do anything
<font color="

240
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,960
Look, everybody's got exes,
have we not?

241
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,520
What's important is who we're
with now, the past is the past

242
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,560
and today's today.
Hear, hear.

243
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,480
BETH: Good idea. Cheers, everyone,
<font color="

244
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,800
Happy Burns Night!
ALL: Burns Night.

245
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,640
Burns Night!

246
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,640
Here, Gordon, what's that tartan
that you're wearing?

247
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,800
It's McIntyre.
Aw, that was Yvonne's surname.

248
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,960
Oh, God!

249
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,720
<font color="
vegetarian one?

250
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,160
It's, eh, 20 minutes.

251
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,640
You all right, Cathy?
I'm fine.

252
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,520
All right if I use your lovely
new toilet, is it, missus?

253
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,760
Of course, Cathy.

254
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,200
RADIO PLAYS "IN A BIG COUNTRY"
<font color="

255
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:02,800
So, are you a haggis man yourself,
Ian? I'll take a bit.

256
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,360
Not a massive fan.
I tell you what,

257
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,280
it's good for the environment
cos it's using up all the bits

258
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,440
of an animal that would normally
<font color="

259
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,000
Or to feed other animals.

260
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,840
It's the circle of life, Ian.

261
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,040
How did your daughter
meet her new partner?

262
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,280
Online, Gordon.
Which I am not keen on -

263
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,640
I mean how do you know
that somebody is

264
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,720
<font color="
on the internet?

265
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,840
True. He must have been really
keen if he drove all the way up
from Wales to meet her.

266
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,640
Well, he'd not seen a photo.

267
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,360
But, yes, up he came,
took her for a Chinese meal

268
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,840
and within three days,
<font color="

269
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,320
and wee Madison were halfway
down the M6 in the back of a Toyota.

270
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,480
What a shame.

271
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:55,920
Still, if that's what she wants,
who am I to stand in her way?

272
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,400
Yes, there have been
some harsh words

273
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,480
<font color="

274
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,600
I really do.

275
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,200
They can always come up and visit?
She can, he can get to fuck.

276
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,040
TOILET FLUSHES

277
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,960
Oh, Beth,
it really is lovely in there.

278
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,040
Oh, thank you, Cathy.

279
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,520
You should be so proud of what
<font color="

280
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,240
Right.

281
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,840
RADIO PLAYS "LITTLE BIRD"
BY ANNIE LENNOX

282
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,400
So, potatoes OK, are they, missus?

283
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,680
Yes, fine.

284
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,800
And haggis? Boiling away too?

285
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,240
Uh-huh.

286
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:41,040
And the, orange veg? The...the...

287
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,240
<font color="
Turnip, yeah, that's OK too?

288
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,480
Yes, all fine.
Eric, would you..?

289
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,280
Mm?

290
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,880
Would you leave Beth and I
alone with the haggis
for a minute, please?

291
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,200
Er, aye, sure.

292
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,680
Why don't you go
<font color="

293
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,840
Put the napkins out, Eric,
give people something to spit into.

294
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,240
So, how long you been in Scotland
then, Gordon?

295
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,920
Just under a year.
You settling in all right, are you?

296
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,360
Yeah, yeah.
<font color="

297
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,400
but I still find the accent
a bit tricky, sometimes.

298
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,440
And, yer baws, it's ice!

299
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,240
She disagrees.

300
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,320
ERIC: Scotland's renowned as
being one of the most welcoming

301
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,120
countries in the world for
foreigners to come to.
<font color="

302
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:25,000
Very few get attacked for no reason.
I love it here, I really do.

303
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,600
Aw, that's lovely.

304
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,640
So, Ian - you
and Jaz definitely finished then?

305
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,440
Look at this.
Who's that?

306
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,240
THAT is Yvonne.

307
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,800
<font color="

308
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,560
That's Colin's ex - that's the one
he's been going on about earlier.

309
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:47,520
Oh, Cathy. I mean, look at the tits,
they're implants.

310
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,800
And the pout there,
oh, she's had her lips done an' all.

311
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,280
And the teeth - I mean,
<font color="

312
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,320
I wonder where she got them done.

313
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,600
Oh, look, oh, look - the holiday
shot. Oh, look, there

314
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:05,240
she is on the balcony, look at me,
glass of wine, I'm in the Bahamas.

315
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,040
Are you fuck, love - you're on an
all-inclusive cock hunt in Corfu.

316
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,920
<font color="

317
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,000
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
look at what she's posted!

318
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,960
"Happy Burns Night, everyone,
should auld acquaintance be forgot -

319
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,440
"big shout-out to friends
old and new".

320
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,120
Well, we know who that's aimed at,
<font color="

321
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,440
Right, you are going to put an end
to this right now. What?

322
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,520
You and Yvonne, I don't want you
being in contact with her.

323
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,360
I haven't spoken to her in years.

324
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,800
Oh, really?
Then how do you explain this?

325
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,160
<font color="
She's a slut!

326
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,040
Hey, hey, hey. Oh, shut up, Eric,
excited about haggis.

327
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,440
Look, I just mentioned Yvonne
because I was telling
Gordon about the Burns Supper.

328
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,560
Right, OK, well,

329
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,280
<font color="
is never to contact you ever again.

330
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,680
Eh?
Am I being unreasonable, Beth?

331
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,080
Well... Thank you.

332
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,360
You tell her that all
lines of communication between her

333
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,000
and you are now officially closed.

334
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,280
<font color="

335
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,920
How am I meant to do that?
Send her a message on Facebook.

336
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,560
No, don't, don't!
No more secret messages.

337
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,720
Phone her!
I've not got her number.

338
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,000
Well, then, get her to phone you!
<font color="

339
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:26,520
OK, send her a message on Facebook,
give her your number,

340
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,040
tell her to phone you
and when she does,

341
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,280
tell her that she's never to
contact you ever again. OK?

342
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,480
OK.

343
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,160
NOW!

344
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960
<font color="
Does it?

345
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,360
Aye, she goes fucking cuckoo
with the drink.

346
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,840
Well, anyway...

347
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,640
Is it not about time we had a poem
or a song or something?

348
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,040
Oh, I've got one.
What is it?

349
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,000
<font color="

350
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,320
No, no, no, we'll not have that.
I could do Tam o' Shanter.

351
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,320
Oh, Eric, that goes on forever.

352
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,920
Did you know Sophie won a prize at
the school for doing a Burns poem.

353
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,160
GORDON: Did she, Christine?

354
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,920
Or was that for her
<font color="

355
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:16,480
Eric, was Robert Burns
by any chance part-Egyptian?

356
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,520
No. No. I didn't think so.

357
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,520
GORDON: I could do a song.
It's not Robert Burns, though.

358
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,360
But it is Scottish.

359
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,760
Go on, Gordon, you sing!
<font color="

360
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,800
Is it Danny Boy?

361
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,760
Oh, remember Eric sung
that at your father's funeral, Beth?

362
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,360
That was a terrific night.

363
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,240
OK, OK, OK.

364
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,560
Shhh...

365
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,560
HE HUMS INTRO FAINTLY

366
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,280

<font color="

367
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,120

who wakes up next to you

368
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,520

yeah, I know I'm gonna be

369
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,760

who goes along with you

370
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,720

<font color="

371
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,560

who gets drunk next to you

372
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,480


373
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,480
THEY LAUGH

374
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,040

I'm gonna be the man who's
havering to you

375
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,920
ALL:

376
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,840
<font color="

377
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:31,720

who walks a thousand miles

378
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,560


379
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,720

Yes, yes, yes, yes

380
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,680

Yes, yes, yes, yes

381
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,080

<font color="

382
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,360

Yes, yes, yes, yes

383
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,560

Yes, yes, yes, yes

384
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,720

diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da.

385
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,440
THEY CHEER

386
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,440
Gordon!

387
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,880
<font color="
with the specs, eh?

388
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,960
I mean what's the matter with them?

389
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,480
All that money and they cannae
afford contact lenses!

390
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,480
They're famous all over the world,
Craig and Charlie.

391
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,360
Craig and Charlie who?
<font color="

392
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,840
Oh, aye.
Same as Robert Burns.

393
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,120
In fact, this is what Burns Night's
all about, isn't it?

394
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,280
Celebrating Scotland's
contribution to the world,
isn't that right, Eric?

395
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:18,520
Aye, that's right.

396
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,480
<font color="
see, at this very moment,

397
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,160
there'll be Scottish people
in every town

398
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,360
and every country

399
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,680
and every corner of the globe -

400
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,120
getting fucking hammered.

401
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,320
BETH: OK, folks,
<font color="

402
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,560
Ooh, right.

403
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,560
THEY CHEER

404
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,280
Up to the table!

405
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,880
Ooh, thanks, Gordon, son.

406
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,960
Oh, you're a nice boy.

407
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,760
He's good fun, isn't he, Ian?

408
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,480
Aye, aye, he is. Aw, thanks.

409
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,800
<font color="
Jaz would never have got up

410
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,840
and made a fool of himself
like that.

411
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:05,160
Beth - no haggis for me.
And...no potatoes.

412
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,760
And, em, no, em... Argh! Turnip!

413
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,960
So, nothing at all?
No, I'm having another whisky.

414
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,160
<font color="

415
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,480
Everybody else'll
take a good helping.

416
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,520
Eh, Dad, just potato and turnip for
me, I don't really fancy any haggis.

417
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,440
RADIO PLAYS "A GIRL LIKE YOU"
BY EDWYN COLLINS

418
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,600
You're a vegetarian are you, Gordon?
<font color="

419
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,160
Cos you feel sorry for animals
or do you just like the attention?

420
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,680
Oh, there's the mashed
tatties there.

421
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:42,400
Eh, Christine, get a bit of the
Old Mashed Tattie Aboard Yeah, eh?

422
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,720
Tatties means potatoes, Gordon,

423
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:50,040
<font color="

424
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,040
Dad, did you get Gordon his
veggie one? Yep, just coming.

425
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,040
I dread to think what's in that, eh?

426
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,840
It cannae be any worse than a real
one. What is it that's in haggis?

427
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,640
<font color="
and kidneys and stuff, is it not?

428
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,720
No, I'll tell you what's in it -
in a proper one you've heart, lung,

429
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,760
and liver all minced up with onion
and oatmeal

430
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,840
but you've got to soak
the oatmeal in blood.

431
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,240
<font color="
the lining of a sheep's stomach

432
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,960
and boiled.

433
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,000
Right. You'll no' try even
a wee bit, Gordon, no?

434
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,320
OK, turnip.

435
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,040
ALL: Woo!
Right, are we all ready?

436
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,560
<font color="
Hang on, hang on.

437
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,760
Everybody got everything they need?
Aye, oh, aye. Yes, indeed.

438
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:38,520
OK, ready now, Eric.
Here she comes!

439
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,320
Oh, here she comes!

440
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,920
Haggis! Haggis! Haggis!

441
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,920
<font color="

442
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,600
Take a look at that!
It's massive.

443
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,120
Oh, there's its wee baby beside it.
That's the veggie one.

444
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,960
Oh, that is tremendous,
a real traditional Scottish haggis.

445
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,000
Where d'you get it, Beth?
Aldi's.

446
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,000
<font color="
get it dished out, I'm starving.

447
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,240
Hang about, hang about.

448
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,520
You've got to do
the Address to the Haggis first.

449
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,320
Oh, no, not the whole thing, Eric.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

450
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,800
This is the bit where we
<font color="

451
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,360
stabbing it with a knife, Gordon.

452
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,240
ERIC CLEARS THROAT

453
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:23,720
Fair fa', your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin'-race.

454
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,160
What's he saying?
Just skip to the middle. What?

455
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,880
<font color="
thing. We're ready for
our dinner, Eric!

456
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,720
Awright, awright.

457
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:37,720
His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready slight...

458
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,720
Ho-ho! Look at that, eh, Gordon!

459
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,800
<font color="

460
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,560
Trenchin' your gushing entrails
bright, Like ony ditch;

461
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:51,760
And then, O what a glorious sight,

462
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,520
Warm-reekin', rich!

463
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,320
Right, right, OK that'll do us.
Come on, plate it up.

464
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,080
Here we are, there we are, Eric.

465
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,360
<font color="

466
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,360
PHONE RINGS

467
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:15,440
Who is it? Is it her?
Aye. Will I call her back?

468
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,040
No, speak to her now.
We're just getting our dinner.

469
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,960
Answer it.

470
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,440
Ian, pass us
over the potatoes over, will ye?

471
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,680
<font color="

472
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,640
Hello?

473
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:34,040
Hi, hi, Yvonne. How you doing? Aye,
long time no speak.

474
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,520
How's things? Oh, are you?

475
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,120
Oh, that's smashing,

476
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:43,840
No, I remember you saying that
you'd always wanted them done.

477
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,360
<font color="
mean I was really just dropping you

478
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:52,600
a line to say, em...

479
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,840
Don't ever contact me again.

480
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,760
DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.

481
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,640
You... You are a...

482
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,920
You are a fake-titted slut.

483
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,880
OK? Right, bye, now. Bye, bye.

484
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,840
<font color="

485
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,480
Actually, Beth, I will have
something to eat.

486
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,720
I'll just have some potato,
though, none of the other shit.

487
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,520
Not bad, Eric, not bad at all.

488
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,160
GORDON: So, em, will your daughter
be having a Burns Supper tonight?

489
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,960
<font color="

490
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,800
I don't know and I don't care.
Oh, Christine.

491
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,560
GORDON: It's a shame to
think of her missing out.

492
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,040
ERIC: Do you not think you should
give her a wee phone, Christine?

493
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,840
just sort all this out?

494
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,440
I certainly will not.
<font color="

495
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,800
Just something tae let her
know you're thinking about her.
Aye, a wee peace offering.

496
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,760
GORDON: If she's in Wales, she might
not be able to get haggis there.

497
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:10,400
You could send her some. Eh?
<font color="
Sophie some of this haggis.

498
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,920
Does she like haggis?
Oh, yes.

499
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,360
She enjoys all meat-based products,
Beth.

500
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,480
COLIN: Well, why don't you send her
a bit?

501
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:23,800
I mean, think about
<font color="
the world. I mean, surely,

502
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,400
we could manage to get a wee bit
of this to North Wales, eh, Beth?

503
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,720
BETH: Well, it's a lovely thought.

504
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,200
Beth, there's loads of it -
none of us want it.

505
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,040
<font color="

506
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,120
She can have some of mine.

507
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:45,000
Right. Great.

508
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,200
Right.

509
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,880
Fire it in.

510
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,880
Put a wee bit of turnip in as well.
Mm-hm.

511
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:57,840
Aye, a bit of potato - Ian,
some of your mash to send to Sophie.

512
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,280
<font color="

513
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,560
That's it - right, zip it up, Cath.

514
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:08,320
Oh, listen, she'll be slaverin'
when she opens the jiffy bag
and sees this.

515
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,560
That's lovely.

516
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:19,200
I'm getting quite emotional
seeing it all in the bag there.

517
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,280
Do you know, this tastes
<font color="

518
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,160
What d'you mean?
Well it's sort of crumbly.

519
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,280
A wee bit dry. Yours?

520
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:42,040
Fine.

521
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,240
Naw, it's definitely...

522
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,880
BETH: Gordon.
Mmm?

523
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,160
I think you might have
<font color="

524
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,440
Oh, it's all right, Gordon,
it's only a wee bit of,

525
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,200
what did you say was in it again?
Sheep's guts.

526
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,880
DOOR SLAMS, GORDON RETCHES

527
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,240
Your lovely new toilet, Beth.

528
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,040
MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
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